So Long, Honey
by BurnThoseEyesBlue
Summary: The turtles' lives are shattered when they experience the ultimate betrayal, and with it, the ultimate loss. With their whole world torn from them, Donnie, Leo, and Mikey must pick up the pieces and forge ahead, though all hope seems lost.


**Title comes from So Long, Honey by Caamp. I don't own the song or the characters.**

 **Warning for character death and description of violence and fatal injuries. Proceed with caution if any of that bothers you.**

 **Happy New Year! Enjoy.**

* * *

 _"And bleed for your brothers, Lord knows that they would" - So Long, Honey_

* * *

The Shredder's throne room is always dark and icy, she thinks. He sits in his chair, watching her move through the shadows towards him. His relocation from Japan has set the entire Foot army on edge, and the last thing she needs to do is draw any special attention to herself, or to disobey his wishes. She slinks through the darkness, the shadows hiding her face. She is careful to keep her face hidden from his sight, though it is a moot concern.

"Kneel," he commands when she reaches the center of the room, and she sinks to her knees, head bowed. She can hear his footsteps grow as he stands and comes towards her, and soon his shiny boots come into her line of sight. She tries to swallow the lump in her throat that forms every time she kneels before him.

"You have summoned me, Master," she says, still keeping her head lowered. It is not a question, but a statement of fact, and she has no idea what lies before her.

"I have an assignment for you," he growls, and she blinks in surprise, fighting the impulse to look up at him. "It is long term, an infiltration of an enemy group. My greatest enemy, Hamato Yoshi, and his clan."

Her mind races. "Why me?" is the only phrase she can force out, and she prays the Shredder will not call her on her weakness. A ninja should not show doubt; she should be grateful he is assigning her this task, though she knows it can only end poorly for her.

"You have potential. Even Karai begrudgingly admits it, potential to join their clan and crush them from the inside out." He clenches his fists, metal scraping against itself. She winces inwardly at the noise. "Do you accept this proposal?"

She knows that the question is only a formality. If she denies it, she will be executed. She has no choice in the matter.

She must hesitate with her answer for a millisecond too long, because he speaks again, voice even more of a growl. "We still have your precious father," he sneers, and her heart starts thudding so loudly she is scared he can hear it. "I am sure Bradford and Xever would greatly enjoy the opportunity they could have if I dared lift the protection notice on him."

Her breathing picks up. The whole damn reason she joined the Foot was so she could protect her father. She couldn't let this happen.

"I accept your proposal, Master," she says, gritting her teeth. She is still looking at her knees, and she feels the solid weight of his hand on her shoulder.

"Very well. Rise, O'Neil. We have much to discuss."

April finally looks up, red hair glinting in the moonlight. "Yes, Master."

* * *

Leo had noticed some pretty strange things about April over the years. Not enough that any particular moment made him suspicious, but enough that when he looked back at them he couldn't believe he'd never seen it before.

Like sometimes, she'd slip up and show she knew more Japanese than any of them realized.

"Ohayō," Leo had said to Raph early one morning when he stumbled in, tired and bleary-eyed. He and April were already sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for training to begin.

"Uzai," Raph had muttered back, stumbling over to go grab some coffee. Leo rolled his eyes, as this was typical Raph, and they had this little back and forth almost every morning.

"Oh, come on, Raph," April had said, tone light-hearted. "Leo's not being annoying, he's just getting ready to kick your butt in training today."

That definitely woke Raph up, but Leo turned towards her, frowning a little.

"How did you know what that meant?" Leo asked her, an uneasy feeling crawling up his spine. April's eyes flashed, but she just shrugged. She opened her mouth to answer but was cut off by Donnie and Mikey filing in the kitchen, Mikey already talking way too loudly for it being that early in the morning. So, Leo bit his tongue and moved on.

He even told Donnie about it later, thinking he'd taught her some extra lessons in his lovesick ways.

"No, she's never asked me for that," Donnie said back, a dreamy look on his face. "But it's not that unusual. She hears us speak it all the time. But Leo, she can speak some Japanese – isn't she perfect?" His starry-eyed brother didn't think it was weird, so he just filed it away in the back of his mind.

But that wasn't it. Sometimes she'd pick up a new move too quickly. Or she'd move with too much grace, especially at the start of her training with Splinter.

Sometimes she'd watch them coldly, with too much observation, like they were animals in a zoo rather than her friends. Like she was filing mental notes about them, not just casually watching them interact. She did it especially when she'd sit in on their sparring sessions.

And even before Karai flipped sides and joined their family, she'd given him warnings.

"Your friend April isn't who you think she is," she said one night, fairly early in their growing camaraderie. Leo was on the warpath immediately, coming to April's defense. She was their first human friend, and more like his little sister at that point than anything.

It pissed his family off when he passed it on, scoffing at the idea.

"How dare she try to break us up like that?" Raph had sneered, patting April roughly on the back.

"Yeah! Don't worry, we don't believe her, April!" Mikey gave April his best puppy-dog eyes, as if worried that April would believe Karai over him.

"Thanks, guys. It means a lot." She hugged Mikey and all his assurances, but there was a strange glint in her eyes that Leo couldn't make out.

(Next time Karai showed up for a midnight secret spar, she showed up with a black eye and refused to say anything else on the matter).

Yes, when Leo looked back on it, the warning signs were all there. He just didn't piece them together until it was too late.

* * *

They're gone on patrol when she finally attacks.

Well, most of them are: Leo, Donnie, and Mikey.

Raph and Splinter were left home alone. Raph had broken a leg in a fight a few weeks before, and he wasn't exactly able to patrol the rooftops on crutches. Donnie had given him strict orders to stay home, and he wasn't happy about it at all. He'd bitched about going with them to Donnie until Leo had finally snapped at him that he was grounded. They'd fought. Nothing unusual - not for them, at least.

Leo's last view of them is sitting on the couch, watching one of Splinter's cheesy soap operas. Splinter had joined Raph in the living room to keep him company, and he was happily facing the TV. But Raph was glaring at him over his shoulder, bitter and angry and resentful. It haunts him for years to come.

They've just left the lair when April texts Mikey, asking when they'd be home.

"Why does she want to know?" Leo remembers asking, a strange feeling stirring in his belly.

Mikey shrugs back at him, not looking too concerned. "Who knows?" he says, elbowing Donnie in the side. "Maybe she'll bring back a pizza! I found a bag of jellybeans under my bed. I dunno how long they've been there, but they're probably still good."

Donnie wrinkles his beak and gags, sharing a look with Leo in silent agreement of how gross little brothers actually are.

 _Not soon,_ Mikey texts back, tongue poking out of his mouth in concentration. _Be back later! Bring pepperoni! :)_

She sends back a smiley face, and that's the end of it. Nobody really thinks anything of it, but something strange is still stirring in Leo's stomach.

They're halfway through the patrol when Donnie smacks a hand on his forehead.

"Shell!" he says, dropping to his knees and digging through his duffle.

"What is it?" Leo asks, feeling his heart beat pick up the pace.

Donnie groans, curses a bit. He babbles about some test tubes with Kraang samples he'd forgotten to pack in his duffle. "I was going to see how they were affected to fresh air, not in the sewers. If it changed anything."

"You say that as if New York's air is really any cleaner than underground," Mikey chirps, dancing around Donnie as he digs frantically. Donnie tosses something undefinable behind him, and Leo lunges to grab it before it hits the ground.

"Mikey, go get them! You're faster," Donnie says, still throwing things around in his search. Leo stands behind him, arms piled high with scraps and bits of metal that only Donnie would know what to do with.

"What? No!" Mikey whines, bouncing on his heels. "It's all the way on the other side of town. What's the point of going back if we're not even gonna go home."

They waste time arguing, time Donnie later realizes could've been used to help Splinter and Raph.

"Fine," Mikey eventually sighs, eyeing Leo impatiently tapping his foot. "You want me rummaging around in your lab? I can do that!" He makes like he's going to run back the way they came, and Donnie's face pales.

"No!" Donnie huffs, zipping up his bag and shooting Mikey a dirty look. "Fine, I'll go. Wait here."

"Hurry back," Leo says, wiping black smudges of grease off of his arms. Donnie nods once and takes off, leaving Leo and Mikey on the rooftop to wait.

"Great," Mikey groans. "We're gonna be here forever now. Donnie's the reason why turtles have the slow stereotype." He chatters mindlessly, plopping down to sit cross-legged on the ledge of the rooftop, shell facing Leo.

Leo ignores him, fighting the urge to tap his foot some more. He actually feels really impatient to get home for once. Something isn't right, hadn't been right since April texted. The feeling of unease creeps down his spine, icy cold. It's unnerving.

"Leo," Mikey was saying, flicking his leg. "Leo! Leooooooo!"

Leo blinks and shakes his head. "What? Sorry, I wasn't listening." He tries to shake off the feeling to focus on whatever inane topic Mikey wanted to discuss now.

"As I was saying," Mikey says, looking a little annoyed, and Leo has the decency to give him a mildly embarrassed look, "you know, maybe you don't have to be so hard on Raph all the time."

Leo blinks again. This is unusual for Mikey. Ever happy, always joking, never actually involved in his and Raph's business. They've never talked about this before, and the look of serious thoughtfulness on Mikey's face leaves Leo feeling like something's stuck in his throat.

"I know," Leo says slowly, sighing. "But sometimes - "

"Yeah yeah, sometimes Raph's a dick," Mikey says, rolling his eyes. "But so are you."

Leo opens and closes his mouth, at a loss for words. Mikey watches him expectantly, obviously waiting for some high and mighty philosophical response. But Leo's mind is a blur, and he doesn't know if he can formulate the words to describe the very complicated words on how he feels about Raph.

He's saved by his T-Phone ringing, making the both of them jump. It's Donnie, and both he and Mikey exchange a concerned look, conversation completely forgotten. He pulls it out and puts it on speaker.

"Hello?" Leo says.

"Guys. You need to get down here. It's April. I don't- "

"Donnie?" Mikey says, voice small.

Donnie babbles something incomprehensible. He sounds panicked, heartbroken, and he even retches at one point, shaky and out of breath. At this point, they're already running home.

Leo knew something was wrong.

It's a blur of a trip back. Leo's mind races with thoughts of the worst they can find. Every now and again he glances over at Mikey, who looks equally freaked and worried. He thinks he should say something, but he doesn't want to lie. So, on they go to find Raph and Splinter in silence.

They rush into the lair, weapons already on the ready.

"Donnie?" Mikey calls out, voice shaky, and he's answered by what sounds like a retch in the living room. Leo closes his eyes and sends up a silent prayer before walking in, not ready for whatever lies on the other side of the couch.

Donnie kneels by the couch, one hand stretched out to grip the arm as if to brace himself. Splinter is still sitting on the couch, Raph stretched out on the floor by Donnie. Donnie looks up when Leo and Mikey run in, and his plastron is stained red.

"I don't – " he whispers, and Leo steps closer, comes around the side of the couch.

Splinter's neck is slashed. Easy, clean. Obviously wasn't expecting it. His eyes are wide, cane fallen on the floor at his feet.

Raph, on the other hand, looks absolutely slaughtered. Blood is smeared on his crutches ("he fought back," Mikey whispers later), and his Sai lying just out of reach on the other side of Splinter. He has a slash in his throat too, but the big gaping hole in his plastron is the worst.

Leo can't help but dry heave, and he bends over, gagging. He can't bring himself to look. Mikey's already crying, loud, noisy sobs coming from his right. Leo glances over, wiping the back of his mouth off.

Mikey staggers over and kneels next to Raph, closing his eyes, and Leo feels like something is stuck in his throat again. This doesn't feel real. This _can't_ be real…

Donnie stands, leaning on his Naginta. Blood is trickling from a slice on his arm, and Leo scans him, making sure he isn't hurt anywhere else.

"Who could've done this?" Leo bites out, but deep down he thinks he already knows the answer. He can't take his eyes off Raph lying eerily still on the ground, his baby brother.

"It was April," Donnie says, eyes devoid of all emotion, and Mikey's wails grow even louder. "I saw her."

* * *

Donnie bursts into the lair to head straight to his lab grab his tubes, and head back out on patrol. Leo was already on him to hurry back quickly, Splinter was already probably going to chew him out for not being prepared in the first place, and he really wasn't in the mood to deal with a whiny Raph again.

But when he enters the living room, it's different. The TV is still on in the background, the same boring soap opera, but all he can hear is an odd gasping sound. April is leaning over Raph on the ground, skewering his stomach. Raph's eyes are wide, an odd burbling sound coming from deep in his chest. One of his arms are outstretched, with April pinning it with her foot. Splinter lies motionless on the couch.

"April…" Donnie feels like his limbs are frozen, and everything's moving in slow motion. He can barely process what he sees, and even when that registers he doesn't think it can be real. There's no way…

She looks up, sees him – pulls her weapon out of Raph's stomach. He gurgles, blood bubbling out of his mouth. Raph's head turns ever so slightly towards him, the beginnings of Donnie's name on his lips.

Donnie's vision blurs with rage, and he attacks, Bo raised high. She blocks his strike and lunges in the same smooth motion, showing what skill she'd been hiding all along.

"Why?" he cries. His vision is hot and blurry, and he can barely see what he's doing as he defends himself. The sound of Raph's ragged breathing is what's keeping him going right now.

"I wish all of you had been home," she says coolly, ignoring his question. "But I suppose Raph and Splinter will have to do for now." She looks bored, and he hates hates _hates_ her suddenly with a passion that far outweighs his old lust for her.

They briefly fight, and in his haze, she gets in a shallow slice on his arm. He tries to get her back, but he can't bring himself to do it. It's April. He can scarcely comprehend the fact that she is the one responsible for his father and brother lying still on the floor. This has to be a mistake…

She escapes in his distraction, her biting words falling against deaf ears, and it's all his fumbling hands can do to call his brothers. He doesn't even know what he manages to get out, but he drops his phone and stumbles to Splinter. Checks his pulse. Nothing. He turns and falls down next to Raph, whose breath is getting shallower and shallower with each passing moment. Donnie babbles next to him, anything that's coming to mind, just to get Raph to stay conscious and focus on him. He tries to staunch the bleeding with his mask, and when it is soaked through and dripping, grabs the nearest blanket within reach. It doesn't work, the blood flow too heavy to stop it, but he still tries in vain.

"Raph? Raph! You gotta stay with me – come on, you can fight this!"

Raph opens his mouth to speak, but only a croak comes out. The blood trickles even further down his chin, pooling in the ground next to him. He doesn't take his eyes off of Donnie's face, trying to lift a hand to grab him.

Donnie hushes him, "Don't speak, Raph, save your strength," he says, but his vision is already blurring again with hot tears. He takes one of his bloody hands off of Raph's plastron and clutches Raph's. It's not long after when Raph finally stops breathing, chest still under Donnie's hand. His eyes, glassy and unfocused, stare up at the ceiling above Donnie's head, and his hand goes limp under Donnie's.

Donnie turns his head to the side and vomits, gagging until nothing is left in his stomach to come up.

If only he'd been sooner…

* * *

"No. Stop. It's not your fault," Leo tells him later that night, eyes hollow, after they'd carried Raph and Splinter to the lab, covering their bodies with a sheet. They're in Donnie's room now, Mikey asleep with his head in Leo's lap, and tearstains still streaking his mask. They're supposed to be taking turns on watch to prepare if she comes back, but neither Donnie or Leo can sleep, the images still too fresh in their minds. "It's my fault, Donnie."

"How?" Donnie says, voice hollow. He's still maskless, and his plastron is almost shiny and raw where he scrubbed it for half an hour trying to get all of Raph's blood off.

"I fought with Raph. He died thinking I hated him," Leo says, feeling like the worst brother in the world. "I'm the one who made him stay home today." This thought sticks with Leo for a long, long time, and makes the nauseous feeling bubble back up in his chest. "And Splinter… I left them on their own."

Donnie doesn't respond. There's nothing more to say. Leo feels himself starting to drift off on Donnie's arm when Donnie shifts, lowering his voice and turning his mouth to speak directly into Leo's ear.

"We can't stay here," he says quietly. "She'll be back. She told me as much."

That was a new thought, and Leo is suddenly wide awake again. His mind starts racing. "Where can we go? We can't go to the farmhouse. Who can we even trust anymore?" he says bitterly. "She was our oldest friend."

Donnie's silent for a moment, obviously thinking it over. "We can't trust anybody anymore," he says, the same amount of bitterness laying thick on his words.

Leo nods. If April was willing to betray them, what would stop any of their newer friends?

"I'm going to find her, Leo," Donnie says, breaking Leo out of his thoughts. "I won't sleep until I do."

"And I'll kill her," Leo says back, cold resolve in his eyes.

* * *

Casey calls Leo the next day, sounding out of breath and panicked. They're packing up what little belongings they want to take with them, and they all crowd around Leo's phone to hear the message he leaves on their voicemail.

"So, uh, guys, I think April just tried to kill me," Casey says, whispering loudly into his phone. "And I think she also might have broken a rib. Why don't any of your ever pick up your damn phones?"

They listen to it once, twice, staring at it silently.

"We can't trust him!" Donnie argues. "He's April's friend!"

"But why would Casey lie?" Mikey asks, looking dead on his feet. "What if he really needs help?"

"It's a trap," Donnie says, eyes narrowed. "You know they're probably just trying to lure us back somewhere to pick off the rest of us! Leo, you know I'm right. You said it yourself we can't trust anybody else anymore."

Mikey looks at Leo with sad eyes. "But Casey is – was – Raph's friend. Doesn't that have to count for something?"

"Leo, we can't risk this," Donnie says, shaking his head. "You know this."

Leo exhales a breath, long and deep and slow. He seems so much older now than he actually is. "We go," he decides. "She won't be able to take us three down. It was honorless, what she did. It was surprise, when their backs were turned. Raph couldn't even defend himself."

"Leo!" Donnie's furious, but when Mikey turns his pleading gaze to him, he begrudgingly relents, and he ends up tracking Casey's phone with a sour look on his face.

It's still daytime, so they're even more on guard, but they find Casey bleeding behind the back of a 24/7 convenience store a couple of blocks away from the hockey rink.

He looks sincere enough, and he does look actually hurt. He grins at them when they jump down in front of him, and they can see where April knocked out another tooth. A bruise is already developing over his left eye, and he has a hand pressed against his side.

"Guys," he says, a note of relief in his voice. "I am so glad to see your ugly mugs for once. Took ya long enough."

"Casey," Leo says, voice hard until they can find out if he's being truthful or not. "What happened?"

Casey grimaces, trying to prop himself up more against the dumpster. "She ambushed me out of nowhere. I thought it was a joke. Just a surprise attack. Practice, ya know? Keep you on your toes." He tries to shift again and cries out in pain. "A little help here, Donnie?"

"Hold up your hands," Donnie says brusquely. Casey looks confused, but he does what he says and shows his hands are empty. A quick scan around him shows no obvious weapons, so Donnie comes over and kneels at his side, setting down his duffel.

"Go on, Casey," Leo says, giving Donnie a moment to start feeling around on Casey's chest.

Casey winces as Donnie presses down lightly. "But it was different this time. She'd never actually hurt me before, but today she wasn't pulling her punches. It was like she was actually trying to do some serious damage."

"How'd you get away?" Mikey pipes up behind Leo, where he's on watch to protect their backs.

Casey grins again, devious this time. "Casey Jones fights dirty," he says with a note of satisfaction. "She got in some hits, but I think I got in a good blow to the head, so she ran off."

"I think two of his ribs are broken," Donnie says, looking grim. He leans back on his heels and surveys Casey with an unreadable look.

"What, you didn't believe me? Why would I make this up?" Casey says, scowling back at him.

"She attacked us, too," Leo tells him grimly. Casey's eyes widen with shock, and it's genuine, all three of the turtles can see that. "Last night, in the lair."

(Later, Donnie feels a little bit bad about not believing him, but his brothers come first).

"Holy shit," Casey says, mouth gaping. "What the hell is going on with her?"

"We can't talk about this here," Donnie says to Leo. "We need to get back to the lair before we go." Leo nods in agreement.

"Wait, where's Raph?" Casey asks, innocent and unknowing. "Is he okay? I called him first, but he didn't pick up either. The dick." He laughs, but it slowly dies when he sees nobody else is smiling along with him.

Leo's face falls.

"Oh," Casey says, in a small voice. He looks like he's going to cry, and he actually does, just a little. He leans into Donnie's plastron, because Donnie's still kneeling beside him, a hand pressed on his chest.

And it's been a long day. Donnie just lost his brother too, and he's also grieving, and he wants nothing more than to just throw himself deep into his lab and not come out for weeks. And he can't believe that of all people it's Casey freakin' Jones sniffling onto his shoulder right now, so he awkwardly pats him on the back and hopes that's it.

(Casey doesn't look him in the eye for the next couple days).

They stand around awkwardly, Leo looking absolutely lost and unsure of how to deal with Casey's tears. Mikey sniffles silently, shell stilled facing them, and he reaches up to wipe his face.

But Casey seems to compose himself for long enough to look back at Leo and Mikey and say, "So, how are we going to get her?"

* * *

They leave the lair once they bury Raph and Splinter. It's tragic. They grew up here. This is where they lived – the only home they've ever really known – and now they know they'll never be back. Not without Raph. Not without Sensei.

Casey offered to help dig the graves, but Leo wouldn't let him with his ribs, so he helped Mikey gather their things up instead. During the makeshift funeral, Casey stares stony-faced at the ground the entire time. Mikey cries again, but Leo can't bring himself to. He says a couple words, but he can't bring himself to do anything more. He feels nothing but exhaustion. Over this situation, over missing his brother, his father. He's got a fire in his blood, and all he wants to do is find April and hunt her down.

So that's what they do. They temporarily move into the Battle Shell until they can find a better place to live. It's not like they can go to the farmhouse or any of their other usual hideouts. April knows all of them. But the Battle Shell is way too crowded for all of them to live comfortably, especially with all of Donnie's tracking tech equipment, and even more since Casey's staying with them.

"I can't go home," Casey tells Leo after the funeral, a desperate look in his eyes. "That'll put a target on my little sister and my dad. I can't do that to them."

Occasionally, they'll drive past MISSING posters with Casey's face on them, and he just turns away.

There's absolutely no internet trace for April. No use on social media, no sign of her or her father. Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary to indicate a betrayal, no signs ahead of time. Donnie pushes himself more every day to find her, but he doesn't have much to go on.

(One night, Mikey catches Donnie just staring at pictures of April, lost in thought, and he thinks to himself that Donnie's probably the one taking her betrayal the hardest).

Desperate for answers, Leo even tries to call Karai at one point.

When she finally answers, she sounds truly regretful. "I tried to warn you, Leo. But I'm sorry. I can't tell you anything." Splinter was her father too, but her sense of loss is not quite the same, and Leo hangs up on her, more frustrated than before.

Donnie tries his hardest to hack into the Foot's network, but he can't get through the firewall.

"I don't have any equipment," he tells them all, frustrated. "I can't do that." It's all back in the lair, but they know they can't go back. And they can't just charge in to Foot headquarters, either. Casey's still on the mend, Donnie's arm isn't at 100%, and none of them are used to fighting without Raph.

"We'll have to train," Leo says. He thinks it's a brilliant idea – keep them all on edge, be a good distraction for him. But training reminds them of Splinter, and though Leo tries his hardest, it just doesn't work.

"I think we're just gonna have to let her come to us," Mikey says one morning. "If she's after the rest of us now, then she'll find us. Right?"

They look at each other. "That may… actually work," Donnie says slowly.

Leo _hates_ that plan. He's always been the more patient one, willing to wait and let things come to him. But it's still in his bones, that deep-seated urge to track her down and fight and regain that honor that they had lost. To know why she betrayed them in the first place. To fight and make her pay.

(Some nights, on the too still ones where everybody is feigning sleep in their own separate corner of the Battle Shell, Leo lies awake and wonders, is this what Raph felt like? This constant, billowing anger? But it's too hard to think about that sort of thing now…)

* * *

They end up leaving New York. They head south and land somewhere down in the mountains, settling into an old, isolated cabin with no chance of visitors.

"Well," Leo says when they all tumble inside, staring in the dark at the white cloaked furniture. "It's something. Temporary."

Donnie drags a finger down the kitchen table and holds up the dust to his nose. He casts an annoyed look to Leo. "It's no sewer sweet sewer," he says drily, and Leo shoots him a look.

"Yeah," Casey agrees, digging an elbow into Mikey's side, "it's better." Leo can't help the snort that bubbles out, and Mikey laughs a little, cracking the first real smile they've all seen in weeks.

It takes a couple of weeks, but they all slowly start to settle into their new home. Mikey and Leo are in charge of fixing up the cabin, cleaning the floors, dusting every nook and cranny. Mikey paints a couple of murals on the walls to try and brighten up the place, and Leo struggles with fixing the appliances.

(That's the stuff Raph used to be good at. He'd been good at mechanics. Not as good as Donnie, but good).

When he can, Donnie helps, but most of the time he works an online IT job. He hates every minute of it, but it pays the bills, and it definitely helps to supplement Casey's flakier income. Casey's all but healed by now, and he sets out into the nearby towns for work, typically doing odd jobs until he ends up getting involved in some sort of teaching program at a hockey rink.

It's really not a big cabin: one tiny bathroom, a cramped kitchen, and two bedrooms. Leo and Donnie share the first bedroom, Casey and Mikey the second. Which is different than at home, because when they were kids, Leo and Raph always shared a room.

(At night, if Leo closes his eyes and concentrates really hard, he can pretend Donnie's breathing is Raph's heavy snores).

When they first move in, Mikey spends a lot of nights crawling into Leo's and Donnie's room, just to be closer to his brothers. He always leaves early in the morning, before they wake up, and they never speak a word of it in the daytime.

It's a slow process to adjust. Donnie still tries to track April down, but he doesn't make any more progress. It's as if the April O'Neil they knew has vanished. Leo tries to keep up their training, and some days, he's actually successful. They have a routine.

It's a quiet life, but something's… missing.

* * *

Leo and Mikey bicker more.

It's weird. Leo guesses he kind of assumed that without Raph being around anymore, everyone would just get along more easily. He's never been more wrong.

Leo can't fix the fridge right, he doesn't put the groceries up in the right places. Mikey's too sarcastic, he gets in Leo's way when he's trying to work. The fights are petty and meaningless, always over something stupid that leaves Leo feeling sheepish and sorry the next day.

But the worst one –

Leo was trying to fix some kitchen appliance. Which one it was doesn't matter, but what was said was the true problem. They were both frustrated, unable to figure out the problem, and Donnie was locked up in his room on the phone, so they were on their own.

It starts as mere irritated comments, snapping back and forth, and grows and grows until Leo feels like his chest is going to explode, anger swelling deep under his plastron.

"Why can't you just grow up and listen to me, Mikey?" he snaps. "I know what I'm doing!"

Mikey bites back, sharp and hard, "If Raph had been here, he'd be able to fix it!" He gives Leo a defiant look, and frustrated, throws his tools down, making them clank loudly. "I wish he was here instead of you," he says quietly, so low under his breath that Leo almost missed it.

Leo's anger deflates, a sad balloon wilting in his chest. He feels like he's been stabbed, and all the breath is kicked from his chest.

It must show on his face, because Mikey's eyes grow wide, and he turns pale. "Leo, I didn't mean – "

"You can try to replace Raph all you want," Leo says quietly, trying to swallow past the lump in his throat, "but you'll never be him."

Mikey blinks back at him, obviously hurt. Tears are already welling up in his eyes. Leo sets his tools on the counter, turns, and walks out of the kitchen. He's not one to hide, but all he wants is to go upstairs and bury himself under the covers.

They don't talk the next couple of days, avoiding each other's eyes in the hall and being careful to not stay in the same room. Mikey's words eat away at Leo's insides, and the silence around them is thick and tense and awkward. Casey makes more excuses to stay out of the cabin, and Donnie locks himself in his room.

It's almost two weeks later, and Leo, unable to bear the silence any longer, sets out to the forest. It's calming, being surrounded by nothing but nature, chirping birds and rustling leaves. It's completely different from New York, but it's not unwelcome. It's peaceful, and Lord knows he needs some peace in his life.

He ends up collecting some seeds and plants from deeper in the forest and works to make a little garden behind their cabin. He stays up all night pouring over websites on Donnie's computer, trying to learn about how often he needs to water his plants, the different types of soil, what fertilizer works best. It's nice, having something else to focus on, and it actually makes him feel closer to Splinter in a way.

He spends hours in the backyard, sweating and toiling away at digging up the dirt and planting the seeds. As a joke, Casey brings him home a girly sunhat, but he wears it with pride. When he's working in the garden, he doesn't think about Raph, or April, or even Mikey. It's just him and the dirt.

One day, Mikey comes out behind him and just watches, silently. It's a little unnerving, but Leo doesn't let it distract him, and he babies the plant in front of him with even more care.

"Do you need any help?" Mikey says, and his voice sounds small and uncertain. This is the first thing he's said to him in weeks.

Leo sits back on his haunches and wipes the sweat from his eyes, taking in his baby brother. Mikey looks uncomfortable and unhappy, body trembling with nervous energy. It's been almost a month since their fight, and Leo knows that if it's been hard on him it's definitely been hell for Mikey.

"Okay," he says, and he motions to the bag of fertilizer sitting beside him. Mikey grabs it and silently obeys Leo's instructions. He goes back inside when they're finished, not really saying anything, but the next day he comes back. And the next. And the next.

It's funny, Leo doesn't know when it changed from just his garden to his-and-Mikey's. And though they don't ever really verbalize an apology, Mikey starts smiling and laughing with him again, and he knows they've moved on.

* * *

One day, Casey comes home with enough alcohol to get drunk an army, and they all get wasted.

"I liked Raph," Casey confesses, whispers deep in Donnie's ear long after Leo and Mikey go to bed.

"I know you liked Raph," Donnie says, not quite as drunk as Casey, but getting there. "You were his best friend."

Casey shakes his head, looks frustrated. "Not that type of like." He gestures in front of him helplessly, spilling some of his beer onto Donnie's arm. "More."

"Oh," Donnie says. It's all he can say.

Casey looks like he's going to cry. He knocks back the rest of his beer and leans heavy into Donnie's shoulder, arm thrown casual and heavy over his plastron. "We got drunk one night. Not too long before… ya know. I kissed him. He kissed me back."

Donnie blinks. "But… I thought you and April – "

Casey shakes his head. "Didn't think he liked me back." He's slurring his words bad, but Donnie isn't willing to get in between Casey Jones and his alcohol. "April was to mess with you."

"Huh," Donnie says. It really is all he can say, the pieces in his mind slowly fitting together like a jigsaw. "You're a dick."

"I know." Casey hiccups, lowers his mouth dangerously close to Donnie's ear again. "I miss him."

"Me too," Donnie says, and if they both end up drunkenly crying and sleeping curled up next to each other on the floor that night, well, who's to judge?

In the morning, Casey and Donnie have an awkward agreement not to tell the others, and their friendship grows.

(Though it's funny – Leo already knew. Raph told him, back when it happened).

* * *

"I think we need to start training again," Leo says at breakfast one day, and the absentminded chatter goes silent. Casey looks up from his coffee in surprise, and Mikey drops the box of sugary cereal he was holding. Donnie pauses, spoon lifted halfway to his mouth.

"Why?" Donnie says. He sets his spoon down carefully in his bowl.

Leo meets him with a steady look. "We need to be prepared," he says. "I should never have let us go this long without it. Splinter would- "

"Yeah? Well, Splinter's not here right now," Donnie snaps out before he can swallow the words down. Leo blinks at him, looking a little hurt, and Mikey even gives him a wide-eyed look. Casey's head swivels between each of them. Stuffing the rest of his toast in his mouth, he mumbles out an excuse to leave and bolts. "I'm sorry," he mutters, and Leo's mouth twists in a thin line.

"I think we should at least try," Leo says, voice carefully neutral.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Leo," Mikey says, forcing a lop-sided grin on his face and side-eyeing Donnie. "Nothing can dim the skillz of my red hot nunchuck fury!"

Leo's face lights up a little, and both he and Mikey turn hopeful eyes back onto Donnie.

Donnie sighs, stomach rolling. He knows he's not going to win this round. "Can I at least upgrade my Bo to a tech-Bo?" he says.

Bright and early next morning, Donnie's shaken awake by Mikey.

"Dude," Mikey says, speaking a little too loudly for it being this early in the morning. "We gotta go! Leo's already outside."

"Wha-?" Donnie groans and rolls over. Mikey's blue eyes glint in the dark, studying him as he gets ready.

"I don't get it," Mikey says, watching Donnie slide on his pads. "What's so wrong with training?"

Donnie swipes a hand over his eyes. He really doesn't want to spill his heart and soul to Mikey this early, and he promptly tells him so. But Mikey gives him his best puppy dog eyes, and Donnie can feel his willpower begin to crack.

"Donnieeeee," Mikey pleads, eyes big and bright and blue, and Donnie sighs.

"Training's never been for me," Donnie says. "I was never as good as Leo, or Raph, or even you. Er, no offense."

"None taken," Mikey says, eyes still bright.

Donnie swallows. He hasn't told this to anybody, it's been his burden to bear ever since the… incident. "I wasn't good enough to stop her then," he says, throat oddly tight. "What would change that now?"

"Donnie," Mikey says gently. "That wasn't your fault. I've looked up to you ever since we were kids. Of course, you're good enough."

Donnie turns his head away.

Mikey shifts. "Look, I know you probably don't believe me – "

"You're right," Donnie interrupts, "I don't."

Mikey sticks out his lower lip but continues anyway. "But you know how much this means to Leo! I think it's his way to stay close to Splinter. You know we need to try."

Donnie huffs out a breath. Inwardly, he knows Mikey's right, but still. He's got enough to deal with, the last thing he wants to deal with now is training on top of everything else.

Someone knocks on the door, and both Donnie and Mikey look up. It's Leo, standing in the doorway, looking a little hesitant.

"You guys coming?" he asks.

"Yeah!" Mikey says, bouncing on his heels. "Donnie here was just giving me a pep talk. It's too earlyyy for this, Leo. Can't we do training at night?"

Leo looks a little scolding. "It's easier to meditate in the morning when the mind is clear," he says.

Mikey groans loudly, "we have to meditate?!"

Leo breathes out a long, slow breath, looking a little bit like he's already regretting this decision. He looks at Donnie like he's begging for him to do something. Donnie nudges Mikey in the direction of the door, and then on down the stairs. Mikey heads down, complaining loudly all the way. Leo smiles at him when follows, and Donnie smiles back.

* * *

Years pass. Their eighteenth birthday passes, and so do countless others. Each birthday is worse than the last, but their twenty-one is the worst. None of them ever thought they'd make it to adults, one, but especially not without Raph. It's depressing. Splinter's birthdays always pass quietly, too.

* * *

"I wanna do something to remember Raph," Mikey says out of the blue one day. Donnie and Mikey exchange a look.

"What do ya have in mind?" Casey asks, looking over from where he's sprawled out on the couch.

"Do we have any of his bandanas left?" Mikey asks.

Casey coughs, looking a little sheepish. "I have one."

Donnie gives Casey a knowing look. "I do too."

Mikey turns to look at Leo, who sighs and nods.

Mikey's eyes crinkle. "I have one, too," he says. "I swiped it from Splinter's room before we moved."

"What do you want to do with Raph's old bandanas?" Casey says, wrinkling his nose. "If you're trying to get me to wear Raph's sweaty old clothes, I'm not sure I'm down for that."

"No!" Mikey says, looking at Casey like he's crazy. "I feel like that's a little… Donnie, what's the word?"

"Sacrilegious? Blashphemic? Offensive to his memory?"

"Eh, yeah, one of those," Mikey says, shrugging. "No, what about like wearing it on our arm?"

"Like a gang?" Casey says, head swiveling around so fast everyone in the room can hear a crack.

"No!" Mikey says, looking a little frustrated. "But if you're not going to take me seriously, then forget it!"

Casey blinks and straightens up. "Wait, no, Mikey, hold on – "

But Mikey's already gone.

The next morning, Mikey comes downstairs to go fix breakfast, and the rest of his family is already sitting around the table, eating silently. And around each of their arms is a single red bandana, knotted tightly.

Mikey can't stop the smile from spreading on his face, and he bounds back upstairs to go grab his bandana. He misses his brothers and Casey exchanging smiles about his reaction before returning to their breakfast.

* * *

Years pass, and one day, the four of them come home from a supply run to town, and April's sitting at their kitchen table inside, absently twirling around their salt and pepper shakers.

Casey lets out some choice curse words, and all their weapons are immediately drawn. "Why are you here?" he yells, gritting his teeth. Leo's blood is singeing through his veins, and Mikey looks as deadly as he's ever seen him.

"I need your help," April says. Donnie's hands clench tighter around his Bo, and she puts her hands in the air, still looking far too relaxed for her position. "Shredder's trying to kill me," she says slowly, making eye contact with every single one of them. "And you're the only ones who will help me."

They lower their weapons but don't dare take their hand off. The atmosphere is still tense, and though everyone comes and sits at the table with her, they're all ready to fight at any given moment.

She claims she regrets killing Raph and Splinter.

It's quiet for a moment, and then all the roaring anger comes rushing back.

"Liar!" Casey snarls, and Leo has to grab his shoulder and keep him sitting down, though he longs to lunge for her throat too.

"I had no choice," she pleads, trying to make them listen to reason. "He would've killed my dad!" She turns her wide-eyed gaze to Donnie, obviously picking him as the weakest link.

"You were a Foot ninja," Donnie says coolly. "You still are! Why should we not kill you where you stand!"

She goes quiet, and Leo takes the opportunity to really look at her. She's older now, more scars, more freckles, shorter hair. She's taller and more muscular, and she moves with a grace that Leo once recognized in Karai.

"Tell me," Donnie continues, tone just as icy. "Was any of it real? How we met, the friendship. The nights at the farmhouse. Anything?"

April stays quiet. That's all the answer he needs. Donnie looks at Leo, and they share a long look. Leo's gaze flits across Mikey's and Casey's, and then back to Donnie's.

"That's what I thought," Donnie says quietly. He nods at Leo, and Leo turns to face April.

"We will not help you," Leo says firmly. "You should be thankful we do not kill you where you stand."

Her desperate countenance breaks, and a cold sneer takes its place. "Funny," she says to Donnie, her sneer growing, "you're still as weak as you once were."

In a flash, she pulls her Tessan out and is lunging across the table at Casey in a surprise attack. It was all another ruse.

Leo knew he shouldn't be surprised.

The fight doesn't last long. She's no match for the four of them, as rusty as they are. But Mikey's the one who gets her though, a brutal knife to the chest.

She pauses a moment, swaying in the air. She looks down at her chest, as if in disbelief, and then back up at Leo. A small trickle of blood dribbles down her chin, and then she slumps to the ground.

It's over.

* * *

"I almost can't believe it," Casey confesses to Donnie that night, where they're sitting at the kitchen table stitching themselves up from the fight. "That it's over, ya know? What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

Donnie doesn't know what to say either.

* * *

They bury her. (She was their friend, once upon a time. Maybe?)

And after that, nobody really knows what to do with themselves. Finding April has been the forefront of every single one of their minds for years. And now that it's over – what are they supposed to do?

"What do you think life was like for her in the Foot?" Mikey asks one day.

Casey shrugs, "Hopefully shitty," he says. "They'd have to give me a damn good reason to waste half my life on an undercover mission like that."

* * *

Life is quiet again, and without the constant reminder of the final showdown, it's a little disconcerting.

So when Leo says one day that it's time to go back to New York, the others agree.

* * *

It's a little sad, selling the cabin, packing everything back up in the Battle Shell. The cabin had become home to them, and none of them are really sure what it'll be like back in New York. It's been years since they've been back – will they even still recognize it? Will the memories still be too much? It's a terrifying thought.

When they drive back into New York, the dawn is breaking over the buildings, casting a golden light over everything. The skyline is as beautiful as Leo remembers it, and it feels like a missing piece is slotted back into his chest. He's not whole, not even close, and he'll probably never fully be 100% again, but it's a start.

And in that moment, Leo feels two hands on his shoulders, and though he doesn't turn around, he knows that Raph and Splinter are with him.

* * *

THE END.

* * *

 **Hope I didn't cause toooo much emotional trauma ;) R &R! **


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